Sex.Life

The book I am currently reading, "One.Life" by Scot McKnight, was given to me by my Young Adult Pastor. He offered it to me back in July....when I was dissecting my dream and call to Haiti. I read a little more than half of the book in about a week, and just recently stumbled upon it again as I began assembling my brand new book shelf =D. I am so glad I did.

I cracked it open where I left off back in July. The chapter I read was, as always, an eye opener....a fantastic read. Until I noticed that the following chapter would be about "What Sex means in the Kingdom.Life"....I wasn't totally eager to delve into this one.

So as I chatted with my Pastor last night about life and all that jazz, the book came up. I told him I jumped back into it, and was pretty excited about finding it. He asked: "What chapter are you on?" and I reluctantly answered...."Sex.Life...the one I kinda didn't want to start reading. I just know I'm gonna need time for this one, so I'm waiting to read it." He told me that chapter is his favorite in the book. He recapped it as being the best way he has read someone explain sex and love in a Jesus' edifying life.

After hearing that, I decided today would be the day...and it was.

McKnight, a college professor of religious studies, starts the chapter with several stories of his students coming to him with confessions of mistakes they have or currently were making involving sex. Some were unmarried couples (one member of the couple) confessing that the couple was having sex. Another about a young man terrified that his salvation would be lost because of his premarital sex encounters. These stories go on through out the chapter...my favorites being the survey statistics of the sex lives of college students, and the hopelessness they have for Kingdom.Life meeting Sex.Life.

Those hopelessness stories were more of the "that's an unrealistic idea of how love actually works nowadays" or "sex without all the commitment is easier, and doesn't involve emotions" or "I'm not doing anything wrong" type of nature. The author quickly dis-proves and provides encouragement regarding all of these statements from several different angles.


First, and one of my favorite parts of this entire chapter, starts with the author's scientific explanation of sex:

"The brains of both men and women release neurochemicals during sexual behaviors that also say: 'I am bonding emotionally with you.' Oxytocin tells a woman's brain that the man is hers and vasopressin tells the man's brain that the woman is his."

"Bonding occurs chemically WHENEVER sexual relations occur-- not just when a person chooses bonding to occur, and not just when a person is in love with another person."

"When anyone engages in sexual behaviors, the brain creates pathways of connection that render that experience easier to repeat and, in fact, that render that experience something the brain wants to repeat over and over."

"Our brain and neuro-chemicals remember the synaptic pathways of former lovers....when a young man or young woman begins to sleep around, or share sexual experiences with more than one person,our God-designed brain get's confused" (Paraphrased this last quote for space sake)

Interesting right?.....so there is a scientific, neurological reason behind why the hook-up culture leaves us feeling inadequate, dirty, and hopeless for the real love our God has designed us for? Yes, indeed.

McKnight says it this way:

"It is impossible to engage in the hookup culture without damaging your brains innate desire for healthy, faithful, emotional bonding."

I think many women (and I say this as one of them) have an underlying idea of this...that it just doesn't work....even if we do it, have done it, or plan to do it. It sucks. It sucks to live in a world that is afraid of commitment, that depicts love as a weakness or dependency on someone other than yourself....that exploits sex, and creates the idea that it definitely comes first, and is dismissible, unemotional. Especially when GOd tells us the opposite. I feel like we're all jacked up an damaged because of this....I know I am. McKnight says that Jesus' dream for humans constantly affirms that we are intended to love one another. The problem is our culture has broadcasted these four lies surrounding the expression of the words "I Love You"... =

1. I am needy
2. I am weak
3. I am dependent (or codependent)
4. I lose my independence

McKnight spends several pages describing what Jesus intends for love and sex in our lives. He uses the Song of Solomon as his ultimate example. It is an erotic love poem...one wherein both man and woman express their committed, obsessive, dependant, and sexual love for one another. I had never read this song before, and was kinda shocked that the Bible contains something so "erotic."  It was beautiful and refreshing. It displayed love as complete infatuation, an undying need to be with that person forever, and honestly describes the sexual yearning a married man and woman joyfully share.

So....we are chemically programmed to have sex with one person, repeatedly; we are created to committedly love one another; and all the while our culture flips both of those ideals upside down and inside out....making it impossible for us to actually achieve any of this without being completely jacked up and damaged along the way? The last paragraph about the Song of Solomon struck a cord with me....it was absolutely beautiful....and yet soooo unrealistic....to me, a damaged woman. A woman who has experienced more than God ever intended for her to experience....who made decisions selfishly, and knowing better....and who can fully understand why it is so difficult to actually live this Kingdom.Life.Sex.Life without  becoming jaded and depressed about it all.

Without Jesus as the head of my body, and my soul....I made my life much harder than it needed to be. I created consequences for myself, that do, and will continue to affect my current/future life....even in my following. My ways in this fallen world made His plans for me take several detours, and have altered my abilities to understand His intention for love in my life.

I can honestly say that right now I don't fully comprehend what it means to love Jesus and to love a man, simultaneously. I've told many of my friends this before. The reason I say this is because it doesn't make sense to me. I have never known love that is one hundred percent committed, that never ends, that permits being completely infatuated and dependent with another, and is based solely on the Lord. It has never existed for me, and I pray that God will prune me up enough to understand that one day, if it His will. But I can say that the way in which our world depicts love and sex plays an enormous role in all of this. The fact that our culture is totally confused about love is dis-heartening. The statistics show that 75% of men and women claim to want to be married and want to experience committed love, but.....instead more than half do it the way "they know".. the "easy" way....the way our culture tells us is "acceptable." All of which leave us single, lonely, and without the Lord as the author of our love stories.

I just wanted to share this, because it can be really depressing to dissect the ways of our culture when it comes to sex and love. It just isn't right. It's not. And as much as it is easy to convince ourselves temporarily that it is....it always comes out that it's not. Satan is out to persuade us to turn our ways away from the Lord, and will make it extremely enticing along the way. But...in following Christ as the head of not just our souls, but of our bodies..our temples....the Love that is truly meant for us is awaiting. I have Faith that part of the reason I can't comprehend this kind of love, is because it is going to be so much more magnificent than anything I could have imagined or experienced before I allowed the Lord write my Love.Life.