Pour out my heart...

SO after much thought, and a little convincing...I decided I will continue my blog, and actually start posting it! I am doing this for those of you that are interested in what God has been doing to me this past year. I can't promise it will be the most entertaining bit...but it's my heart, and it's real :)...

The amount of stirring that has gone on within me this year is insane. God literally jumped on in a took me for a spin that I could never have imagined. I won't recount it all, but I will say this much....The Lord has utilized the most devastated/beautiful country in the world to show me what it really means to be His child.

I went to Haiti for the first time in June, 2011. It was at that time I realized I might actually become a missionary. Something I always thought a stronger, more prepared,  much more established person would be chosen to do. Not me. God showed me I was completely wrong. I spent my week in awe...not of the poverty, destitution, or filth.....as a matter of fact I wasn't moved at all by those things. I was in awe of how anyone/thing/person/GOD could be so powerful. I guess you could say I never "believed" how mighty our God truly was/is until then. I had the honor of witnessing not only myself, but 10 other people become utterly broken in a matter of days. I experienced the Holy Spirit blanketing an entire compound with peace, comfort, love, and most importantly hope. I fell in love with 54 children who begged for affection, not realizing how much I desperately needed it from them. My life has not been the same since.

As I returned from that trip, I began to realize what this all could mean. I noticed the Lord speaking to me as clear as day....every day. I was aware of His presence in my routine, and I consistently felt Him breaking it down. I don't really know how to even explain what it feels like to whole-heartedly understand when God unveils His plans, other than to say He showed me many glimpses of His Will for me...and I am the happiest I have ever been.

As months went on, I began working out the logistics of "how to become a missionary in Haiti"..if that even happens??....the plans, commitments, ends, and beginnings. It all fell apart about 62 times. Nothing worked the way it did at first, and I reconsidered it all. Until God broke me down and ....again ...stripped me of my distractions....and placed me right back in Haiti...

This second trip came out of the blue. Mountains moved in a matter of minutes, and there I was. RIGHT where He wanted me. This time was a whole other world. I spent a little time reminiscing with a friend from the last trip, and meeting all sorts of new people ..excited to see Haiti for the first time. I was ecstatic...and yet absolutely terrified. I stepped into the "real" missionary life. Aside from 4 extremely sick babies, transitioning staff, and lots of work to be done.....I was in the midst of a nightmare waiting to come true. A few weeks prior to my arrival, a spree of armed robberies targeting missionaries  began in Jacmel, the town where we are located. I went anyway..KNOWING that God is much bigger than all that. We spent a lot of time plotting, planning, preparing, and waiting for this to unfold. For reasons I will never understand, the Lord brought me home the night that He allowed this worldly nightmare to come true. Seven men entered the compound, armed and with a mission to rob the poor of all they had. Instead, these brave victims were Blessed with the presence of the Holy Spirit. Blessed with the gift of God's grace and mercy. They were given another testimony of how great OUR Lord is...His faithfulness, His protection, and His peace...in the most terrifying moments of their lives.

I am so proud of each one of my colleagues/missionary friends in Haiti.....I can't even begin to go there...ughhh.

The immediate response of pretty much everyone who loves and cares for me here has been "Praise God you are here, and safe, and you were spared the agony, trauma, Hallelujah! You don't have to deal with that ever again!!" and I say to that.....I wish I were there. Doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. When your heart is on fire for a desire YOU never dreamed of....YOU could not create nor make sense of....when you are serving the Lord in the place He opened you eyes and heart to, it becomes the only thing that makes sense....and because of that I can't imagine any other path for my life.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."(Psalm 37:4)

When you know you KNOW. I have decided to commit 2 years in Jacmel, Haiti with Hands and Feet Project. I will use this blog to keep you all up to date along my journey. I am so excited to share this with everyone.....all glory be to God!!