Vision of Love.....

This morning I had a huge epiphany. I learned that my ALL time favorite Mariah Carey song is now my all time favorite Mariah Carey song for completely different reasons than before. I'm still having a "moment" wondering how a song that I have overplayed so much to the point that it skips, is just now becoming much more meaningful to me.

The song is "Vision of Love," released in 1990 for those who don't recall this classic. My original reasons for liking the song were: 1). It's smooth, jazzy, r&b feel....I love it when Mariah conquers my favorite genre. 2). It's a song by Mariah that goes into a low enough range that my extremely alto voice can actually sing most of it....of course she hits those crazy notes here and there, but for the most part I can comfortably sing this one, which gives me an odd sense of accomplishment. 3). It's nostalgic for me....I can remember specific instances of the song playing on KJOY at age 6, and my grandfather humming every note to perfection. 4). She sings every word like she means it. Mariah is a passionate singer anyway, but this song to me stands out....and now I think I have a much better (possibly subconscious) reason as to why.

I will list the lyrics below, and then break down what broke me this morning.

Treated me kind
Sweet destiny
Carried me through desperation
To the one that was waiting for me
It took so long
Still I believed
Somehow the one that I needed
Would find me eventually

I had a vision of love
And it was all that you've given to me

Prayed through the nights
Felt so alone
Suffered from alienation
Carried the weight on my own
Had to be strong
So I believed
And now I know I've succeded
In finding the place I conceived

I had a vision of love
And it was all that you've given to me
I had a vision of love
And it was all that you've given me

I've realized a dream
And I visualized
The love that came to be
Feel so alive
I'm so thankful that I've received
The answer that heaven
Has sent down to me

You treated me kind
Sweet destiny
And I'll be eternally grateful
Holding you so close to me
Prayed through the nights
So faithfully
Knowing the one that I needed
Would find me eventually

I had a vision of love
And it was all that you've given to me
I had a vision of love
And it was all that you
Turned out to be


I'll start with the fact the the lyrics I "thought" I had memorized were not all correct. The words in red I had completely wrong. I always thought "prayed" was "straight"...."conceived" I always thought was "can see"....both of which make a huge difference. I still did not know these were the correct words until looking them up specifically for this blog. Again, making this epiphany even more of a moment for me.


I assumed this was a love song, about finding a man, and finally being happy because he came and now she is complete....etc etc. I never experienced anything outside of a secular love song. At Bible study last night we were asked if we were more like Jesus today than we were a year ago. My first response to that question was "yes, I have done more service, and been more open to do things to help".....my revised, re-evaluated, and public response was "Yes. A year ago God put me in a place where I was completely isolated, and had to depend solely on Him to get through. I was separated from all of my friends, I was literally alone in a small studio apt, and clung to Him to understand why I was being set-apart so drastically. I had to create time for Him in reading His Word, I made time for prayer, and for about two months I didn't understand what was going on at all other that He was telling me this needed to happen. Through sadness, anger, and fear He was pruning me...but He chose to do it this way, and because of that I was able to see the many magnificent things He had in store for my growth throughout that year. ONLY because of Him, and what He did with me a year ago am I more like Him today."


So I chose to pop in Mariah's greatest hits this morning on my commute. The song (first on the cd...and again, played out and worn) comes on, and I get into early morning belt-mode (which is not pretty). Suddenly every word had a different meaning to me. I highlighted in purple the words/phrases that broke me today. 


I could go for hours on this song, because EACH word is so powerful to me today. I feel as though I had listened to my testimony of this past year. I have believed for many years, but I feel as though God continues to prune me in the ways He needs me to break. He grabbed ahold of me 2 years ago in a way I never could have imagined He would. He brought me to my knees in absolute desperation for Him. A year ago He did this again, but this time it wasn't because I was straying, discounting, or ignoring Him as I had done many times before.....I believe it was because He needed me to give myself completely, in a way I had never experienced. He needed me stripped, isolated, and empty of any other focus. He needed me to, in my gut, feel completely broken....but this time I was broken and I had Him to depend on. I believe He wanted me to see that I indeed HAVE Him, and He is jealous for me. Without this time I don't know that the rest of my year would have been as eye opening as it was. 


I learned that God is my husband....weird. I learned that serving the hopeless, homeless, orphaned, and widowed is a demand, not just a good feeling. I learned that I am called...by Him...in all of my brokeness, jaded, and flawed being...and will Follow Him because of that. I have been humbled beyond belief, over and over again. Most of all I learned that all of this has NOTHING to do with what I am capable of or what I do....but is simply because of His love....the love that was just a Vision to me, and was ALL that He'd given to me....and it's enough. :)