This morning I had a huge epiphany. I learned that my ALL time favorite Mariah Carey song is now my all time favorite Mariah Carey song for completely different reasons than before. I'm still having a "moment" wondering how a song that I have overplayed so much to the point that it skips, is just now becoming much more meaningful to me.
The song is "Vision of Love," released in 1990 for those who don't recall this classic. My original reasons for liking the song were: 1). It's smooth, jazzy, r&b feel....I love it when Mariah conquers my favorite genre. 2). It's a song by Mariah that goes into a low enough range that my extremely alto voice can actually sing most of it....of course she hits those crazy notes here and there, but for the most part I can comfortably sing this one, which gives me an odd sense of accomplishment. 3). It's nostalgic for me....I can remember specific instances of the song playing on KJOY at age 6, and my grandfather humming every note to perfection. 4). She sings every word like she means it. Mariah is a passionate singer anyway, but this song to me stands out....and now I think I have a much better (possibly subconscious) reason as to why.
I will list the lyrics below, and then break down what broke me this morning.
Treated me kind
Sweet destiny
Carried me through desperation
To the one that was waiting for me
It took so long
Still I believed
Somehow the one that I needed
Would find me eventually
I had a vision of love
And it was all that you've given to me
Prayed through the nights
Felt so alone
Suffered from alienation
Carried the weight on my own
Had to be strong
So I believed
And now I know I've succeded
In finding the place I conceived
I had a vision of love
And it was all that you've given to me
I had a vision of love
And it was all that you've given me
I've realized a dream
And I visualized
The love that came to be
Feel so alive
I'm so thankful that I've received
The answer that heaven
Has sent down to me
You treated me kind
Sweet destiny
And I'll be eternally grateful
Holding you so close to me
Prayed through the nights
So faithfully
Knowing the one that I needed
Would find me eventually
I had a vision of love
And it was all that you've given to me
I had a vision of love
And it was all that you
Turned out to be
I'll start with the fact the the lyrics I "thought" I had memorized were not all correct. The words in red I had completely wrong. I always thought "prayed" was "straight"...."conceived" I always thought was "can see"....both of which make a huge difference. I still did not know these were the correct words until looking them up specifically for this blog. Again, making this epiphany even more of a moment for me.
I assumed this was a love song, about finding a man, and finally being happy because he came and now she is complete....etc etc. I never experienced anything outside of a secular love song. At Bible study last night we were asked if we were more like Jesus today than we were a year ago. My first response to that question was "yes, I have done more service, and been more open to do things to help".....my revised, re-evaluated, and public response was "Yes. A year ago God put me in a place where I was completely isolated, and had to depend solely on Him to get through. I was separated from all of my friends, I was literally alone in a small studio apt, and clung to Him to understand why I was being set-apart so drastically. I had to create time for Him in reading His Word, I made time for prayer, and for about two months I didn't understand what was going on at all other that He was telling me this needed to happen. Through sadness, anger, and fear He was pruning me...but He chose to do it this way, and because of that I was able to see the many magnificent things He had in store for my growth throughout that year. ONLY because of Him, and what He did with me a year ago am I more like Him today."
So I chose to pop in Mariah's greatest hits this morning on my commute. The song (first on the cd...and again, played out and worn) comes on, and I get into early morning belt-mode (which is not pretty). Suddenly every word had a different meaning to me. I highlighted in purple the words/phrases that broke me today.
I could go for hours on this song, because EACH word is so powerful to me today. I feel as though I had listened to my testimony of this past year. I have believed for many years, but I feel as though God continues to prune me in the ways He needs me to break. He grabbed ahold of me 2 years ago in a way I never could have imagined He would. He brought me to my knees in absolute desperation for Him. A year ago He did this again, but this time it wasn't because I was straying, discounting, or ignoring Him as I had done many times before.....I believe it was because He needed me to give myself completely, in a way I had never experienced. He needed me stripped, isolated, and empty of any other focus. He needed me to, in my gut, feel completely broken....but this time I was broken and I had Him to depend on. I believe He wanted me to see that I indeed HAVE Him, and He is jealous for me. Without this time I don't know that the rest of my year would have been as eye opening as it was.
I learned that God is my husband....weird. I learned that serving the hopeless, homeless, orphaned, and widowed is a demand, not just a good feeling. I learned that I am called...by Him...in all of my brokeness, jaded, and flawed being...and will Follow Him because of that. I have been humbled beyond belief, over and over again. Most of all I learned that all of this has NOTHING to do with what I am capable of or what I do....but is simply because of His love....the love that was just a Vision to me, and was ALL that He'd given to me....and it's enough. :)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Sex.Life
The book I am currently reading, "One.Life" by Scot McKnight, was given to me by my Young Adult Pastor. He offered it to me back in July....when I was dissecting my dream and call to Haiti. I read a little more than half of the book in about a week, and just recently stumbled upon it again as I began assembling my brand new book shelf =D. I am so glad I did.
I cracked it open where I left off back in July. The chapter I read was, as always, an eye opener....a fantastic read. Until I noticed that the following chapter would be about "What Sex means in the Kingdom.Life"....I wasn't totally eager to delve into this one.
So as I chatted with my Pastor last night about life and all that jazz, the book came up. I told him I jumped back into it, and was pretty excited about finding it. He asked: "What chapter are you on?" and I reluctantly answered...."Sex.Life...the one I kinda didn't want to start reading. I just know I'm gonna need time for this one, so I'm waiting to read it." He told me that chapter is his favorite in the book. He recapped it as being the best way he has read someone explain sex and love in a Jesus' edifying life.
After hearing that, I decided today would be the day...and it was.
McKnight, a college professor of religious studies, starts the chapter with several stories of his students coming to him with confessions of mistakes they have or currently were making involving sex. Some were unmarried couples (one member of the couple) confessing that the couple was having sex. Another about a young man terrified that his salvation would be lost because of his premarital sex encounters. These stories go on through out the chapter...my favorites being the survey statistics of the sex lives of college students, and the hopelessness they have for Kingdom.Life meeting Sex.Life.
Those hopelessness stories were more of the "that's an unrealistic idea of how love actually works nowadays" or "sex without all the commitment is easier, and doesn't involve emotions" or "I'm not doing anything wrong" type of nature. The author quickly dis-proves and provides encouragement regarding all of these statements from several different angles.
First, and one of my favorite parts of this entire chapter, starts with the author's scientific explanation of sex:
"The brains of both men and women release neurochemicals during sexual behaviors that also say: 'I am bonding emotionally with you.' Oxytocin tells a woman's brain that the man is hers and vasopressin tells the man's brain that the woman is his."
"Bonding occurs chemically WHENEVER sexual relations occur-- not just when a person chooses bonding to occur, and not just when a person is in love with another person."
"When anyone engages in sexual behaviors, the brain creates pathways of connection that render that experience easier to repeat and, in fact, that render that experience something the brain wants to repeat over and over."
"Our brain and neuro-chemicals remember the synaptic pathways of former lovers....when a young man or young woman begins to sleep around, or share sexual experiences with more than one person,our God-designed brain get's confused" (Paraphrased this last quote for space sake)
Interesting right?.....so there is a scientific, neurological reason behind why the hook-up culture leaves us feeling inadequate, dirty, and hopeless for the real love our God has designed us for? Yes, indeed.
McKnight says it this way:
"It is impossible to engage in the hookup culture without damaging your brains innate desire for healthy, faithful, emotional bonding."
I think many women (and I say this as one of them) have an underlying idea of this...that it just doesn't work....even if we do it, have done it, or plan to do it. It sucks. It sucks to live in a world that is afraid of commitment, that depicts love as a weakness or dependency on someone other than yourself....that exploits sex, and creates the idea that it definitely comes first, and is dismissible, unemotional. Especially when GOd tells us the opposite. I feel like we're all jacked up an damaged because of this....I know I am. McKnight says that Jesus' dream for humans constantly affirms that we are intended to love one another. The problem is our culture has broadcasted these four lies surrounding the expression of the words "I Love You"... =
1. I am needy
2. I am weak
3. I am dependent (or codependent)
4. I lose my independence
McKnight spends several pages describing what Jesus intends for love and sex in our lives. He uses the Song of Solomon as his ultimate example. It is an erotic love poem...one wherein both man and woman express their committed, obsessive, dependant, and sexual love for one another. I had never read this song before, and was kinda shocked that the Bible contains something so "erotic." It was beautiful and refreshing. It displayed love as complete infatuation, an undying need to be with that person forever, and honestly describes the sexual yearning a married man and woman joyfully share.
So....we are chemically programmed to have sex with one person, repeatedly; we are created to committedly love one another; and all the while our culture flips both of those ideals upside down and inside out....making it impossible for us to actually achieve any of this without being completely jacked up and damaged along the way? The last paragraph about the Song of Solomon struck a cord with me....it was absolutely beautiful....and yet soooo unrealistic....to me, a damaged woman. A woman who has experienced more than God ever intended for her to experience....who made decisions selfishly, and knowing better....and who can fully understand why it is so difficult to actually live this Kingdom.Life.Sex.Life without becoming jaded and depressed about it all.
Without Jesus as the head of my body, and my soul....I made my life much harder than it needed to be. I created consequences for myself, that do, and will continue to affect my current/future life....even in my following. My ways in this fallen world made His plans for me take several detours, and have altered my abilities to understand His intention for love in my life.
I can honestly say that right now I don't fully comprehend what it means to love Jesus and to love a man, simultaneously. I've told many of my friends this before. The reason I say this is because it doesn't make sense to me. I have never known love that is one hundred percent committed, that never ends, that permits being completely infatuated and dependent with another, and is based solely on the Lord. It has never existed for me, and I pray that God will prune me up enough to understand that one day, if it His will. But I can say that the way in which our world depicts love and sex plays an enormous role in all of this. The fact that our culture is totally confused about love is dis-heartening. The statistics show that 75% of men and women claim to want to be married and want to experience committed love, but.....instead more than half do it the way "they know".. the "easy" way....the way our culture tells us is "acceptable." All of which leave us single, lonely, and without the Lord as the author of our love stories.
I just wanted to share this, because it can be really depressing to dissect the ways of our culture when it comes to sex and love. It just isn't right. It's not. And as much as it is easy to convince ourselves temporarily that it is....it always comes out that it's not. Satan is out to persuade us to turn our ways away from the Lord, and will make it extremely enticing along the way. But...in following Christ as the head of not just our souls, but of our bodies..our temples....the Love that is truly meant for us is awaiting. I have Faith that part of the reason I can't comprehend this kind of love, is because it is going to be so much more magnificent than anything I could have imagined or experienced before I allowed the Lord write my Love.Life.
I cracked it open where I left off back in July. The chapter I read was, as always, an eye opener....a fantastic read. Until I noticed that the following chapter would be about "What Sex means in the Kingdom.Life"....I wasn't totally eager to delve into this one.
So as I chatted with my Pastor last night about life and all that jazz, the book came up. I told him I jumped back into it, and was pretty excited about finding it. He asked: "What chapter are you on?" and I reluctantly answered...."Sex.Life...the one I kinda didn't want to start reading. I just know I'm gonna need time for this one, so I'm waiting to read it." He told me that chapter is his favorite in the book. He recapped it as being the best way he has read someone explain sex and love in a Jesus' edifying life.
After hearing that, I decided today would be the day...and it was.
McKnight, a college professor of religious studies, starts the chapter with several stories of his students coming to him with confessions of mistakes they have or currently were making involving sex. Some were unmarried couples (one member of the couple) confessing that the couple was having sex. Another about a young man terrified that his salvation would be lost because of his premarital sex encounters. These stories go on through out the chapter...my favorites being the survey statistics of the sex lives of college students, and the hopelessness they have for Kingdom.Life meeting Sex.Life.
Those hopelessness stories were more of the "that's an unrealistic idea of how love actually works nowadays" or "sex without all the commitment is easier, and doesn't involve emotions" or "I'm not doing anything wrong" type of nature. The author quickly dis-proves and provides encouragement regarding all of these statements from several different angles.
First, and one of my favorite parts of this entire chapter, starts with the author's scientific explanation of sex:
"The brains of both men and women release neurochemicals during sexual behaviors that also say: 'I am bonding emotionally with you.' Oxytocin tells a woman's brain that the man is hers and vasopressin tells the man's brain that the woman is his."
"Bonding occurs chemically WHENEVER sexual relations occur-- not just when a person chooses bonding to occur, and not just when a person is in love with another person."
"When anyone engages in sexual behaviors, the brain creates pathways of connection that render that experience easier to repeat and, in fact, that render that experience something the brain wants to repeat over and over."
"Our brain and neuro-chemicals remember the synaptic pathways of former lovers....when a young man or young woman begins to sleep around, or share sexual experiences with more than one person,our God-designed brain get's confused" (Paraphrased this last quote for space sake)
Interesting right?.....so there is a scientific, neurological reason behind why the hook-up culture leaves us feeling inadequate, dirty, and hopeless for the real love our God has designed us for? Yes, indeed.
McKnight says it this way:
"It is impossible to engage in the hookup culture without damaging your brains innate desire for healthy, faithful, emotional bonding."
I think many women (and I say this as one of them) have an underlying idea of this...that it just doesn't work....even if we do it, have done it, or plan to do it. It sucks. It sucks to live in a world that is afraid of commitment, that depicts love as a weakness or dependency on someone other than yourself....that exploits sex, and creates the idea that it definitely comes first, and is dismissible, unemotional. Especially when GOd tells us the opposite. I feel like we're all jacked up an damaged because of this....I know I am. McKnight says that Jesus' dream for humans constantly affirms that we are intended to love one another. The problem is our culture has broadcasted these four lies surrounding the expression of the words "I Love You"... =
1. I am needy
2. I am weak
3. I am dependent (or codependent)
4. I lose my independence
McKnight spends several pages describing what Jesus intends for love and sex in our lives. He uses the Song of Solomon as his ultimate example. It is an erotic love poem...one wherein both man and woman express their committed, obsessive, dependant, and sexual love for one another. I had never read this song before, and was kinda shocked that the Bible contains something so "erotic." It was beautiful and refreshing. It displayed love as complete infatuation, an undying need to be with that person forever, and honestly describes the sexual yearning a married man and woman joyfully share.
So....we are chemically programmed to have sex with one person, repeatedly; we are created to committedly love one another; and all the while our culture flips both of those ideals upside down and inside out....making it impossible for us to actually achieve any of this without being completely jacked up and damaged along the way? The last paragraph about the Song of Solomon struck a cord with me....it was absolutely beautiful....and yet soooo unrealistic....to me, a damaged woman. A woman who has experienced more than God ever intended for her to experience....who made decisions selfishly, and knowing better....and who can fully understand why it is so difficult to actually live this Kingdom.Life.Sex.Life without becoming jaded and depressed about it all.
Without Jesus as the head of my body, and my soul....I made my life much harder than it needed to be. I created consequences for myself, that do, and will continue to affect my current/future life....even in my following. My ways in this fallen world made His plans for me take several detours, and have altered my abilities to understand His intention for love in my life.
I can honestly say that right now I don't fully comprehend what it means to love Jesus and to love a man, simultaneously. I've told many of my friends this before. The reason I say this is because it doesn't make sense to me. I have never known love that is one hundred percent committed, that never ends, that permits being completely infatuated and dependent with another, and is based solely on the Lord. It has never existed for me, and I pray that God will prune me up enough to understand that one day, if it His will. But I can say that the way in which our world depicts love and sex plays an enormous role in all of this. The fact that our culture is totally confused about love is dis-heartening. The statistics show that 75% of men and women claim to want to be married and want to experience committed love, but.....instead more than half do it the way "they know".. the "easy" way....the way our culture tells us is "acceptable." All of which leave us single, lonely, and without the Lord as the author of our love stories.
I just wanted to share this, because it can be really depressing to dissect the ways of our culture when it comes to sex and love. It just isn't right. It's not. And as much as it is easy to convince ourselves temporarily that it is....it always comes out that it's not. Satan is out to persuade us to turn our ways away from the Lord, and will make it extremely enticing along the way. But...in following Christ as the head of not just our souls, but of our bodies..our temples....the Love that is truly meant for us is awaiting. I have Faith that part of the reason I can't comprehend this kind of love, is because it is going to be so much more magnificent than anything I could have imagined or experienced before I allowed the Lord write my Love.Life.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Give yourself UN-reservedly...
Today I read the coolest comparison to Jesus' calling...in a way I would have never correlated. It was the comparison of a lyric in the love song "Smooth" by Rob Thomas and Santana (circa 1999 or so)....
"Give me your heart.
Make it real.
Or else forget about it."
I read this in the book "One.Life" by Scot McKnight, a book I highly recommend to my generation. FANTASTIC.
Anyway....the analogy was used to describe the seriousness of Jesus' words. The author described how often times people will "soften the blow" of Jesus' words. Either to decrease the importance of the words coming from Jesus...as in they mean the exact same thing coming from you or I, or another God....or....(for those who believe it matters that they come from Jesus) to imply that Jesus isn't serious when He says them. The author goes on to explain that Jesus is extremely serious...and an example is found in the story of Matthew 19:16-22...when Jesus tells the rich man that in order to enter the eternal life he must follow the commandments, sell all of his possessions, and then "Follow ME."
I agree with the author....that sounds pretty serious.
The song was written from a man to a woman....asking for her to trust him with her heart, her love, and be real....or to just forget about it. Pretty sure anyone in love has the same attitude. Why waste my time, my heart, my love on someone if they don't commit the same amount back? So....applied to Jesus......
The lyric is soooo fitting. "Give me your heart." .....We know that Jesus wants our hearts. He tells us time and time again. The part we don't get as easily is ...."Make it REAL." We know we are forgiven 70 times 7. We know that He will NEVER fail nor forget about us. So... is that why some of us don't make it real? Or....is it because we are afraid to commit...afraid of what it entails....or afraid because we don't really believe He is real?
hmmmm...
and then...."Or else forget about it."....that one is hard to read, right? It seems to imply that God is done with us....throwing up His hands...if it's not the way He wants it.
Well..... :/
What I love about this entire segment is it brings accountability. Yes God loves you, yes He will never forsake you, and no matter how wrong you are, He is always there waiting with loving arms. That does not mean He is naive. It does not mean He isn't saddened by noncommittal hearts. He calls each of us, asking for our entire being....not just a piece here or there....our entire hearts. Choosing not to give that to Him is as bad as not giving of yourself at all.
What I'm saying is that God is serious when He calls us to Him....He wants it all or nothing. He doesn't have time for games...for back and forth....for bartering. He makes all of this very clear. So when you are having a hard time with what God is calling of you..or when you don't want to hear it....or..when you are afraid of what it all means....read Matthew 19:16-22. Think about how often the Lord tells us to follow Him in the Bible. Ask yourself if you are truly giving your entire heart to Him. How can we truly follow Him, wholly and completely, without giving Him our entire hearts to guide us His way? It is impossible. Let go of whatever it is that is holding you back....pray about it....cry, beg, yell about it....but let Him know...and let Him handle your heart. It's the safest place for it.
"Give me your heart.
Make it real.
Or else forget about it."
I read this in the book "One.Life" by Scot McKnight, a book I highly recommend to my generation. FANTASTIC.
Anyway....the analogy was used to describe the seriousness of Jesus' words. The author described how often times people will "soften the blow" of Jesus' words. Either to decrease the importance of the words coming from Jesus...as in they mean the exact same thing coming from you or I, or another God....or....(for those who believe it matters that they come from Jesus) to imply that Jesus isn't serious when He says them. The author goes on to explain that Jesus is extremely serious...and an example is found in the story of Matthew 19:16-22...when Jesus tells the rich man that in order to enter the eternal life he must follow the commandments, sell all of his possessions, and then "Follow ME."
I agree with the author....that sounds pretty serious.
The song was written from a man to a woman....asking for her to trust him with her heart, her love, and be real....or to just forget about it. Pretty sure anyone in love has the same attitude. Why waste my time, my heart, my love on someone if they don't commit the same amount back? So....applied to Jesus......
The lyric is soooo fitting. "Give me your heart." .....We know that Jesus wants our hearts. He tells us time and time again. The part we don't get as easily is ...."Make it REAL." We know we are forgiven 70 times 7. We know that He will NEVER fail nor forget about us. So... is that why some of us don't make it real? Or....is it because we are afraid to commit...afraid of what it entails....or afraid because we don't really believe He is real?
hmmmm...
and then...."Or else forget about it."....that one is hard to read, right? It seems to imply that God is done with us....throwing up His hands...if it's not the way He wants it.
Well..... :/
What I love about this entire segment is it brings accountability. Yes God loves you, yes He will never forsake you, and no matter how wrong you are, He is always there waiting with loving arms. That does not mean He is naive. It does not mean He isn't saddened by noncommittal hearts. He calls each of us, asking for our entire being....not just a piece here or there....our entire hearts. Choosing not to give that to Him is as bad as not giving of yourself at all.
What I'm saying is that God is serious when He calls us to Him....He wants it all or nothing. He doesn't have time for games...for back and forth....for bartering. He makes all of this very clear. So when you are having a hard time with what God is calling of you..or when you don't want to hear it....or..when you are afraid of what it all means....read Matthew 19:16-22. Think about how often the Lord tells us to follow Him in the Bible. Ask yourself if you are truly giving your entire heart to Him. How can we truly follow Him, wholly and completely, without giving Him our entire hearts to guide us His way? It is impossible. Let go of whatever it is that is holding you back....pray about it....cry, beg, yell about it....but let Him know...and let Him handle your heart. It's the safest place for it.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Living in the Flesh.....
Today I woke up praising God. I have been sick the past few days...not the sick I usually get...which is sinuses clogged, runny nose, swollen eyes and glands...nope. This time juuuuuust a sore throat. The ONLY sickness I can NOT have right now. I, along with the rest of the worship arts gang, have prepared for months for the next three days. In these three days hundreds of people will accept Christ as their personal Savior. Many will hear the gospel for the first time. Broken lives will be mended, and miracles will take place. I've seen it happen three years in a row...and each time it blows my mind. So it doesn't surprise me a single bit that the show that (I personally think) is the best we've prepared in my three years of involvement.....would cause Satan to attack me, along with probably 50% of us, vocally. With that said....I PRAISE JESUS....because although I am not completely well, HE is bringing back my voice. The only thing I need this weekend. I WILL sing this weekend...if it means I'm hideous, and tired, and possibly have sick/bad breath (sorry guys :)...) I will rebuke Satan in all his attempts, and Praise the Lord for what He is about to do this weekend. Hallelujah!!
Onto a more touchy subject.....today's devotional:
This one is just coming at you straight....the way I like to tell it.
I absolutely loved this devotional...it gave me the inspiration to let loose on a topic I've always wanted to get real about with people that think otherwise. It starts off with this scripture:
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. —Romans 8:5-8
So let's get reeeeeeal real. I'll preface with this...we are ALL sinners. We are all born into flesh. We all struggle and suffer from a never ending battle with the enemy. BUT we all have a choice. We have the option of accepting the gift that is the Holy Spirit. Of allowing our lives to be governed NOT by ourselves, but by Christ. If that decision is made....our mind's in turn are governed by a God that want's nothing more than joy for our lives, peace in our hearts, and salvation for our souls beyond this world. Like I said, the struggle with the enemy is never-ending...but our mindset, when governed by the Holy Spirit, is not self-seeking...but is completely for the Lord's will.
So what does this look like? It can look like many things. Here's a possible list:
It could look like:
1. Health out of sickness
2. Birth after being told you were barren
3. Love after death
4. Financial stability in a time of need
5. Being alone
6. Having NO friends
7. Being chastised, made fun of, imprisoned
8. Waiting for the right person.....not having sex .....yes, denying this when you already know of it
9. Missing out on the "fun"
10. Realizing the "fun" is not really "fun"
11. Losing everything
12. Gaining when you thought there was nothing to gain
13. Being angry
14. Doing things that you don't enjoy...that make you lonely, that make you wonder how this is fair
15. Realizing that YOU don't matter, when YOU do only for YOU
16. Watching others "prosper" in the flesh, while you "suffer" in the Spirit
17. Knowing better than that....
18. Having the opportunity for a purpose that you never imagined you'd ever desire
19. Changing lives other than your own
20. Making decisions that are hard.....that don't make YOU happy....
21. Until you realize you've never been happier
22. Letting go of yourself....getting over yourself.....giving UP yourself....and giving IN to Him
23. YOU WON'T WIN.....get over IT.
You all probably could tell this, but that felt good to let out. AGAIN...I don't say these things to imply that I am perfect, above any of this....I say it because I go through it, I constantly fail in ever changing ways....but with the Spirit as my guide, I am able to defeat it...one day at a time. I feel it, I see it, and I'm sick of it. GET over IT. You have the choice, and it's not EASY. It takes work....commitment....pain....suffering. And in the end...you get the most precious gift anyone could ever receive. You get to feel/see/experience/love what God has created for your life. Sometimes it's as simple as allowing someone you don't want to "hear it" from, tell you. Stop denying yourself. It is impossible to understand what this means if you are unwilling to let it happen. God has a plan in store for each and everyone of us. Choosing to live for one's self....choosing to refuse this gift.....and choosing to accept the lie that is within our flesh.....will get you nowhere FAST. "The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing" -John 6:63.........."Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." -1 Peter 5:8
Pray about this. Pray for yourself...for your friends....for your enemies....for your family...for strangers....for your future wife/husband....Prayer works. Ask God to help....He awaits us at all hours, just waiting for the moment we decide to surrender. Pray about it...
"Dear God, I praise You that I am designed to live “in the realm of the Spirit” and that my restless heart can find its rest in You there. Indeed, Your Spirit lives in me. I reject the flesh today so that You can live through me in Your strength. Amen." -Pete Briscoe
Onto a more touchy subject.....today's devotional:
This one is just coming at you straight....the way I like to tell it.
I absolutely loved this devotional...it gave me the inspiration to let loose on a topic I've always wanted to get real about with people that think otherwise. It starts off with this scripture:
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. —Romans 8:5-8
So let's get reeeeeeal real. I'll preface with this...we are ALL sinners. We are all born into flesh. We all struggle and suffer from a never ending battle with the enemy. BUT we all have a choice. We have the option of accepting the gift that is the Holy Spirit. Of allowing our lives to be governed NOT by ourselves, but by Christ. If that decision is made....our mind's in turn are governed by a God that want's nothing more than joy for our lives, peace in our hearts, and salvation for our souls beyond this world. Like I said, the struggle with the enemy is never-ending...but our mindset, when governed by the Holy Spirit, is not self-seeking...but is completely for the Lord's will.
So what does this look like? It can look like many things. Here's a possible list:
It could look like:
1. Health out of sickness
2. Birth after being told you were barren
3. Love after death
4. Financial stability in a time of need
5. Being alone
6. Having NO friends
7. Being chastised, made fun of, imprisoned
8. Waiting for the right person.....not having sex .....yes, denying this when you already know of it
9. Missing out on the "fun"
10. Realizing the "fun" is not really "fun"
11. Losing everything
12. Gaining when you thought there was nothing to gain
13. Being angry
14. Doing things that you don't enjoy...that make you lonely, that make you wonder how this is fair
15. Realizing that YOU don't matter, when YOU do only for YOU
16. Watching others "prosper" in the flesh, while you "suffer" in the Spirit
17. Knowing better than that....
18. Having the opportunity for a purpose that you never imagined you'd ever desire
19. Changing lives other than your own
20. Making decisions that are hard.....that don't make YOU happy....
21. Until you realize you've never been happier
22. Letting go of yourself....getting over yourself.....giving UP yourself....and giving IN to Him
23. YOU WON'T WIN.....get over IT.
You all probably could tell this, but that felt good to let out. AGAIN...I don't say these things to imply that I am perfect, above any of this....I say it because I go through it, I constantly fail in ever changing ways....but with the Spirit as my guide, I am able to defeat it...one day at a time. I feel it, I see it, and I'm sick of it. GET over IT. You have the choice, and it's not EASY. It takes work....commitment....pain....suffering. And in the end...you get the most precious gift anyone could ever receive. You get to feel/see/experience/love what God has created for your life. Sometimes it's as simple as allowing someone you don't want to "hear it" from, tell you. Stop denying yourself. It is impossible to understand what this means if you are unwilling to let it happen. God has a plan in store for each and everyone of us. Choosing to live for one's self....choosing to refuse this gift.....and choosing to accept the lie that is within our flesh.....will get you nowhere FAST. "The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing" -John 6:63.........."Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." -1 Peter 5:8
Pray about this. Pray for yourself...for your friends....for your enemies....for your family...for strangers....for your future wife/husband....Prayer works. Ask God to help....He awaits us at all hours, just waiting for the moment we decide to surrender. Pray about it...
"Dear God, I praise You that I am designed to live “in the realm of the Spirit” and that my restless heart can find its rest in You there. Indeed, Your Spirit lives in me. I reject the flesh today so that You can live through me in Your strength. Amen." -Pete Briscoe
Monday, December 5, 2011
Angel in the waiting room....
Wow....First of all...I can't believe how many people have read, and responded to my blog! This is nuts! So encouraging to see God work in such a simple way...really neat!
On to my post for today....
I started my morning with so many interesting elements. I commute 60 miles to work everyday, and was leaving later than normal for a Dr's appointment. I'm on the road listening to KLOVE and thoroughly enjoying my drive. I heard the song "East to West" by Casting Crowns...which is the song that ministered to me the most when I returned from my first trip to Haiti. I blasted it. It was just a very pleasant drive all around.
I made it into town, and on to my Dr's appt. I still had a bit of time to kill, so I cracked open my Bible and began one of my daily devotionals in the parking lot of the Dr's office. This one was titled "Stop Waiting For Perfect Conditions" with the scripture Hebrews 11:1..."Faith is being sure of what we hope for." It discussed DOING, GOING, ACTING...rather than sitting, watching, and complaining about how now is not the right time for one reason or another. I won't quote the whole thing, but it was an encouraging read about having Faith and following your dreams, to be concise. As a dreamer, I always appreciate these encouragements.
So....I went in to my appointment. For a little bit of background, I have had some health issues this year, and go to a few check-ups as a precautionary routine. I went through my check-up, and was sent across the street to get lab work done. I walk in the waiting room....and it's packed. I am the youngest person in the room, and without an appt. The wait began. I looked around the room observing everyone around me. Mostly elderly men, racing to the desk every few minutes to make sure their name wasn't called and they didn't hear it. I started to feel a little down. Started feeling bad for myself, allowing thoughts to run through my head as to why I am in the position I am in, why I am needing blood work, and all the things I have done wrong in my life.....it was just one of those "pity party" moments....where you allow Satan to bring your past around to bring you down. I recognized this, but had a hard time getting out of the funk for some reason.
There was a young man around my age to the left of me, and a woman in her 60's on the right. Next to this woman was an 81 yr old woman named Elsie, accompanied by her son David. The second Elsie sat down, the party began. She had us all in a conversation, laughing our guts out. She told us how much she hates California...to quote her..."There aint nothin goin on around here!" She's from New York, and was relocated by her son, in order to keep a watch on her health. Anyway, she told us many stories and cracked a ton of jokes. Every single one followed by something she was thankful for. She told us all that she thanks God every morning she wakes up. She thanks Him for her life, for her eye-sight, and that He has a purpose for her that day. It was such a blessing to be able to laugh with her and the other 3....
The man and woman on my sides shook our hands as they were called into their appts. It was just Elsie, David, and myself left. We laughed a little about random stuff, and then she turned straight to me and said "When is your birthday?" I told her, and was a little confused as to why she asked me that. Then she turns to me and says...."You are a strong woman. You are going to do big things. God has a plan to use you, and don't you let ANYONE tell you not to do it. You will help people....you love to help people, and you are going to change their lives. People are gonna try and stop you, but you're gonna keep on because you are strong. You are different than others, you gotta do what God is telling you to do. You will do it." I sat in awe for a second. At first I thought...is this some astrological thing?...but after talking to her the rest of the time, I learned how much she loves the Lord, and how strongly she believes in His will for us all. I just smiled the rest of the time. She also told me about the young man that was next to me. She said "He is a sweet man. He doesn't like to be confined. He likes to be free, outside, with lots of room, he needs to have space. He likes to do nice things for others, and makes people happy." I asked her how she knew this, and she said..."just watch." When he came out of his appt, she asked him his birthday...it is December 13. She told him everything she told me, and he stood in shock. He said....ummm yea, exactly, what the heck. We all just smiled and exchanged names and goodbyes. After my appointment, I told her she was a blessing. That I was so thankful to have met her, and that she truly brightened my day...and I truly meant it.
The best part of this whole meeting was that her son let on to me that she was not well, so I dug a little deeper. She told me that two weeks ago she had a small stroke, and was pronounced dead for about 10 minutes. She came back to life, and although she is on medication and has routine blood work, she is fine. I could see this in her spirit alone. I myself was tired from the amount of laughter we shared....if I had just suffered a stroke, I probably would have keeled over after those laughs. She told me that she feels alive, and is so SURE that God has a purpose for her each and every day. She said "I feel good. I feel risen. I feel like we all have a reason, and we need to let God use us and our gifts." Then she reiterated my purpose. It was so neat.
I left that office so joyful. Here I was sitting, allowing myself to feel down about a past I had forgiven, that God has forgiven....when in my presence I had an Angel telling me of my future. Reassuring me of what God has already revealed to me in so many ways. She had some reason for telling me all of this, and I am so thankful that she did.
One of the first things she randomly quoted to us when she sat down was this:
"You all have got to forgive people. Forgive yourselves. You aint perfect. God forgives us 70 times 7 times. You got to forgive and move on, and do right."
............Elsie was an Angel in my eyes today :)
P.S. When I got into work I had an email waiting with a devotional a friend needed to share with me immediately. The last line of it read this: "So, it is time for us to put the love of Christ in us....into action........be His hand extended and love the least of these. Lord, help us put into action Your love for a world in need. We love You today. AMEN!"
On to my post for today....
I started my morning with so many interesting elements. I commute 60 miles to work everyday, and was leaving later than normal for a Dr's appointment. I'm on the road listening to KLOVE and thoroughly enjoying my drive. I heard the song "East to West" by Casting Crowns...which is the song that ministered to me the most when I returned from my first trip to Haiti. I blasted it. It was just a very pleasant drive all around.
I made it into town, and on to my Dr's appt. I still had a bit of time to kill, so I cracked open my Bible and began one of my daily devotionals in the parking lot of the Dr's office. This one was titled "Stop Waiting For Perfect Conditions" with the scripture Hebrews 11:1..."Faith is being sure of what we hope for." It discussed DOING, GOING, ACTING...rather than sitting, watching, and complaining about how now is not the right time for one reason or another. I won't quote the whole thing, but it was an encouraging read about having Faith and following your dreams, to be concise. As a dreamer, I always appreciate these encouragements.
So....I went in to my appointment. For a little bit of background, I have had some health issues this year, and go to a few check-ups as a precautionary routine. I went through my check-up, and was sent across the street to get lab work done. I walk in the waiting room....and it's packed. I am the youngest person in the room, and without an appt. The wait began. I looked around the room observing everyone around me. Mostly elderly men, racing to the desk every few minutes to make sure their name wasn't called and they didn't hear it. I started to feel a little down. Started feeling bad for myself, allowing thoughts to run through my head as to why I am in the position I am in, why I am needing blood work, and all the things I have done wrong in my life.....it was just one of those "pity party" moments....where you allow Satan to bring your past around to bring you down. I recognized this, but had a hard time getting out of the funk for some reason.
There was a young man around my age to the left of me, and a woman in her 60's on the right. Next to this woman was an 81 yr old woman named Elsie, accompanied by her son David. The second Elsie sat down, the party began. She had us all in a conversation, laughing our guts out. She told us how much she hates California...to quote her..."There aint nothin goin on around here!" She's from New York, and was relocated by her son, in order to keep a watch on her health. Anyway, she told us many stories and cracked a ton of jokes. Every single one followed by something she was thankful for. She told us all that she thanks God every morning she wakes up. She thanks Him for her life, for her eye-sight, and that He has a purpose for her that day. It was such a blessing to be able to laugh with her and the other 3....
The man and woman on my sides shook our hands as they were called into their appts. It was just Elsie, David, and myself left. We laughed a little about random stuff, and then she turned straight to me and said "When is your birthday?" I told her, and was a little confused as to why she asked me that. Then she turns to me and says...."You are a strong woman. You are going to do big things. God has a plan to use you, and don't you let ANYONE tell you not to do it. You will help people....you love to help people, and you are going to change their lives. People are gonna try and stop you, but you're gonna keep on because you are strong. You are different than others, you gotta do what God is telling you to do. You will do it." I sat in awe for a second. At first I thought...is this some astrological thing?...but after talking to her the rest of the time, I learned how much she loves the Lord, and how strongly she believes in His will for us all. I just smiled the rest of the time. She also told me about the young man that was next to me. She said "He is a sweet man. He doesn't like to be confined. He likes to be free, outside, with lots of room, he needs to have space. He likes to do nice things for others, and makes people happy." I asked her how she knew this, and she said..."just watch." When he came out of his appt, she asked him his birthday...it is December 13. She told him everything she told me, and he stood in shock. He said....ummm yea, exactly, what the heck. We all just smiled and exchanged names and goodbyes. After my appointment, I told her she was a blessing. That I was so thankful to have met her, and that she truly brightened my day...and I truly meant it.
The best part of this whole meeting was that her son let on to me that she was not well, so I dug a little deeper. She told me that two weeks ago she had a small stroke, and was pronounced dead for about 10 minutes. She came back to life, and although she is on medication and has routine blood work, she is fine. I could see this in her spirit alone. I myself was tired from the amount of laughter we shared....if I had just suffered a stroke, I probably would have keeled over after those laughs. She told me that she feels alive, and is so SURE that God has a purpose for her each and every day. She said "I feel good. I feel risen. I feel like we all have a reason, and we need to let God use us and our gifts." Then she reiterated my purpose. It was so neat.
I left that office so joyful. Here I was sitting, allowing myself to feel down about a past I had forgiven, that God has forgiven....when in my presence I had an Angel telling me of my future. Reassuring me of what God has already revealed to me in so many ways. She had some reason for telling me all of this, and I am so thankful that she did.
One of the first things she randomly quoted to us when she sat down was this:
"You all have got to forgive people. Forgive yourselves. You aint perfect. God forgives us 70 times 7 times. You got to forgive and move on, and do right."
............Elsie was an Angel in my eyes today :)
P.S. When I got into work I had an email waiting with a devotional a friend needed to share with me immediately. The last line of it read this: "So, it is time for us to put the love of Christ in us....into action........be His hand extended and love the least of these. Lord, help us put into action Your love for a world in need. We love You today. AMEN!"
Friday, December 2, 2011
"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfect...." Philippians 3:12
I promise I will not be posting daily....but I had to share my thoughts on my devotional this morning.
It comes from Oswald Chambers...one of my favorites....and it struck a nerve today. The following excerpt is what I will discuss:
"When you obey the call of Jesus Christ, the first thing that hits you is the pointlessness of the things you have to do. The next thought that strikes you is that other people seem to be living perfectly consistent lives. Such lives may leave you with the idea that God is unnecessary— that through your own human effort and devotion you can attain God’s standard for your life. In a fallen world this can never be done. I am called to live in such a perfect relationship with God that my life produces a yearning for God in the lives of others, not admiration for myself. Thoughts about myself hinder my usefulness to God. God’s purpose is not to perfect me to make me a trophy in His showcase; He is getting me to the place where He can use me. Let Him do what He wants."
Ok....wow. I have gone through each of these emotions, in many aspects of my life...but particularly more-so in response to my calling to Haiti.
1). The Pointlessness: The minute I understood that this tingling fire for a dirty, corrupt, and broken 4th world country was not going to end anytime soon, I began questioning why in the world I would continue doing the pointless tasks I "have" to do here. I went through the many motions....still going through the motions to be honest...of figuring out how to do the job(s) I am in right now....but as I bring these thoughts before my God I cling to this "...whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God" 1 Corinthians 10:31. Wherever it is He wants me to be, I will be, and I will BE fully...patiently (or so I try :)....) awaiting His next move for my life.
2). Perfection of others: The idea that others have it figured out...or are just better at it all than I, constantly crosses my mind. My discernment often kicks in as a reminder that satan desperately wants me to believe this....but I know better. No one is perfect, no one is consistent at all times, and no one is free from a sinful nature. We are all on the same playing field, and offered the gift of freedom from an eternity of pain and suffering....if we so choose to accept it. I pray everyday that my walk with the Lord will reflect my heart, not perfection. That imperfect, jacked up, destitute souls will see me in all my brokenness and mistakes, and have hope for what God can and WILL do for them.
3.) I can do it on my own: This one makes me laugh. I KNOW I cannot do it on my own....it's soo comical to even think....yet I am in battle with myself (and satan) on a daily basis with thinking that I can. The best way I've read this explained was in the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Leslie and Eric Ludy. They described this idea in reference to taking control of what God is supposed to have control over....using the words "taking back the pen." When HE is writing your story, YOU do not hold the pen....but we keep pulling it back, like children....somehow thinking we know better. When allowing oneself to believe this idea, it is so easy to fall into thinking that God is unnecessary....even when you KNOW that is ludicrous. What makes this harder for me is obtaining a very keen gift of discernment. I reallllly know better...and am constantly tempted by those that I can see straight through. I see friends that don't believe, living lives that are seemingly fantastic....and I know better....but it's so easy to get caught up in the world when it's within people you love.
"What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" Mark 8:36
SO with all that said....I truly believe the Lord uses all of these "bumps" to make me yearn for Him...and to yearn to see Him in others. I can't begin to tell you how much my desire to see the Lord working in others has grown this year. This desire has taken me out of my comfort zone, and placed me in avenues for opportunity with others. It has removed embarrassment from my radar, and replaced instead the feeling of complete joy to share the Truth...to shout it, instead of whisper it. It fills my soul so much more than I would have thought.
I take this as a reminder today to step back, let go, and let God...."For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jermiah 29:11
It comes from Oswald Chambers...one of my favorites....and it struck a nerve today. The following excerpt is what I will discuss:
"When you obey the call of Jesus Christ, the first thing that hits you is the pointlessness of the things you have to do. The next thought that strikes you is that other people seem to be living perfectly consistent lives. Such lives may leave you with the idea that God is unnecessary— that through your own human effort and devotion you can attain God’s standard for your life. In a fallen world this can never be done. I am called to live in such a perfect relationship with God that my life produces a yearning for God in the lives of others, not admiration for myself. Thoughts about myself hinder my usefulness to God. God’s purpose is not to perfect me to make me a trophy in His showcase; He is getting me to the place where He can use me. Let Him do what He wants."
Ok....wow. I have gone through each of these emotions, in many aspects of my life...but particularly more-so in response to my calling to Haiti.
1). The Pointlessness: The minute I understood that this tingling fire for a dirty, corrupt, and broken 4th world country was not going to end anytime soon, I began questioning why in the world I would continue doing the pointless tasks I "have" to do here. I went through the many motions....still going through the motions to be honest...of figuring out how to do the job(s) I am in right now....but as I bring these thoughts before my God I cling to this "...whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God" 1 Corinthians 10:31. Wherever it is He wants me to be, I will be, and I will BE fully...patiently (or so I try :)....) awaiting His next move for my life.
2). Perfection of others: The idea that others have it figured out...or are just better at it all than I, constantly crosses my mind. My discernment often kicks in as a reminder that satan desperately wants me to believe this....but I know better. No one is perfect, no one is consistent at all times, and no one is free from a sinful nature. We are all on the same playing field, and offered the gift of freedom from an eternity of pain and suffering....if we so choose to accept it. I pray everyday that my walk with the Lord will reflect my heart, not perfection. That imperfect, jacked up, destitute souls will see me in all my brokenness and mistakes, and have hope for what God can and WILL do for them.
3.) I can do it on my own: This one makes me laugh. I KNOW I cannot do it on my own....it's soo comical to even think....yet I am in battle with myself (and satan) on a daily basis with thinking that I can. The best way I've read this explained was in the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Leslie and Eric Ludy. They described this idea in reference to taking control of what God is supposed to have control over....using the words "taking back the pen." When HE is writing your story, YOU do not hold the pen....but we keep pulling it back, like children....somehow thinking we know better. When allowing oneself to believe this idea, it is so easy to fall into thinking that God is unnecessary....even when you KNOW that is ludicrous. What makes this harder for me is obtaining a very keen gift of discernment. I reallllly know better...and am constantly tempted by those that I can see straight through. I see friends that don't believe, living lives that are seemingly fantastic....and I know better....but it's so easy to get caught up in the world when it's within people you love.
"What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" Mark 8:36
SO with all that said....I truly believe the Lord uses all of these "bumps" to make me yearn for Him...and to yearn to see Him in others. I can't begin to tell you how much my desire to see the Lord working in others has grown this year. This desire has taken me out of my comfort zone, and placed me in avenues for opportunity with others. It has removed embarrassment from my radar, and replaced instead the feeling of complete joy to share the Truth...to shout it, instead of whisper it. It fills my soul so much more than I would have thought.
I take this as a reminder today to step back, let go, and let God...."For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jermiah 29:11
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Pour out my heart...
SO after much thought, and a little convincing...I decided I will continue my blog, and actually start posting it! I am doing this for those of you that are interested in what God has been doing to me this past year. I can't promise it will be the most entertaining bit...but it's my heart, and it's real :)...
The amount of stirring that has gone on within me this year is insane. God literally jumped on in a took me for a spin that I could never have imagined. I won't recount it all, but I will say this much....The Lord has utilized the most devastated/beautiful country in the world to show me what it really means to be His child.
I went to Haiti for the first time in June, 2011. It was at that time I realized I might actually become a missionary. Something I always thought a stronger, more prepared, much more established person would be chosen to do. Not me. God showed me I was completely wrong. I spent my week in awe...not of the poverty, destitution, or filth.....as a matter of fact I wasn't moved at all by those things. I was in awe of how anyone/thing/person/GOD could be so powerful. I guess you could say I never "believed" how mighty our God truly was/is until then. I had the honor of witnessing not only myself, but 10 other people become utterly broken in a matter of days. I experienced the Holy Spirit blanketing an entire compound with peace, comfort, love, and most importantly hope. I fell in love with 54 children who begged for affection, not realizing how much I desperately needed it from them. My life has not been the same since.
As I returned from that trip, I began to realize what this all could mean. I noticed the Lord speaking to me as clear as day....every day. I was aware of His presence in my routine, and I consistently felt Him breaking it down. I don't really know how to even explain what it feels like to whole-heartedly understand when God unveils His plans, other than to say He showed me many glimpses of His Will for me...and I am the happiest I have ever been.
As months went on, I began working out the logistics of "how to become a missionary in Haiti"..if that even happens??....the plans, commitments, ends, and beginnings. It all fell apart about 62 times. Nothing worked the way it did at first, and I reconsidered it all. Until God broke me down and ....again ...stripped me of my distractions....and placed me right back in Haiti...
This second trip came out of the blue. Mountains moved in a matter of minutes, and there I was. RIGHT where He wanted me. This time was a whole other world. I spent a little time reminiscing with a friend from the last trip, and meeting all sorts of new people ..excited to see Haiti for the first time. I was ecstatic...and yet absolutely terrified. I stepped into the "real" missionary life. Aside from 4 extremely sick babies, transitioning staff, and lots of work to be done.....I was in the midst of a nightmare waiting to come true. A few weeks prior to my arrival, a spree of armed robberies targeting missionaries began in Jacmel, the town where we are located. I went anyway..KNOWING that God is much bigger than all that. We spent a lot of time plotting, planning, preparing, and waiting for this to unfold. For reasons I will never understand, the Lord brought me home the night that He allowed this worldly nightmare to come true. Seven men entered the compound, armed and with a mission to rob the poor of all they had. Instead, these brave victims were Blessed with the presence of the Holy Spirit. Blessed with the gift of God's grace and mercy. They were given another testimony of how great OUR Lord is...His faithfulness, His protection, and His peace...in the most terrifying moments of their lives.
I am so proud of each one of my colleagues/missionary friends in Haiti.....I can't even begin to go there...ughhh.
The immediate response of pretty much everyone who loves and cares for me here has been "Praise God you are here, and safe, and you were spared the agony, trauma, Hallelujah! You don't have to deal with that ever again!!" and I say to that.....I wish I were there. Doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. When your heart is on fire for a desire YOU never dreamed of....YOU could not create nor make sense of....when you are serving the Lord in the place He opened you eyes and heart to, it becomes the only thing that makes sense....and because of that I can't imagine any other path for my life.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."(Psalm 37:4)
When you know you KNOW. I have decided to commit 2 years in Jacmel, Haiti with Hands and Feet Project. I will use this blog to keep you all up to date along my journey. I am so excited to share this with everyone.....all glory be to God!!
The amount of stirring that has gone on within me this year is insane. God literally jumped on in a took me for a spin that I could never have imagined. I won't recount it all, but I will say this much....The Lord has utilized the most devastated/beautiful country in the world to show me what it really means to be His child.
I went to Haiti for the first time in June, 2011. It was at that time I realized I might actually become a missionary. Something I always thought a stronger, more prepared, much more established person would be chosen to do. Not me. God showed me I was completely wrong. I spent my week in awe...not of the poverty, destitution, or filth.....as a matter of fact I wasn't moved at all by those things. I was in awe of how anyone/thing/person/GOD could be so powerful. I guess you could say I never "believed" how mighty our God truly was/is until then. I had the honor of witnessing not only myself, but 10 other people become utterly broken in a matter of days. I experienced the Holy Spirit blanketing an entire compound with peace, comfort, love, and most importantly hope. I fell in love with 54 children who begged for affection, not realizing how much I desperately needed it from them. My life has not been the same since.
As I returned from that trip, I began to realize what this all could mean. I noticed the Lord speaking to me as clear as day....every day. I was aware of His presence in my routine, and I consistently felt Him breaking it down. I don't really know how to even explain what it feels like to whole-heartedly understand when God unveils His plans, other than to say He showed me many glimpses of His Will for me...and I am the happiest I have ever been.
As months went on, I began working out the logistics of "how to become a missionary in Haiti"..if that even happens??....the plans, commitments, ends, and beginnings. It all fell apart about 62 times. Nothing worked the way it did at first, and I reconsidered it all. Until God broke me down and ....again ...stripped me of my distractions....and placed me right back in Haiti...
This second trip came out of the blue. Mountains moved in a matter of minutes, and there I was. RIGHT where He wanted me. This time was a whole other world. I spent a little time reminiscing with a friend from the last trip, and meeting all sorts of new people ..excited to see Haiti for the first time. I was ecstatic...and yet absolutely terrified. I stepped into the "real" missionary life. Aside from 4 extremely sick babies, transitioning staff, and lots of work to be done.....I was in the midst of a nightmare waiting to come true. A few weeks prior to my arrival, a spree of armed robberies targeting missionaries began in Jacmel, the town where we are located. I went anyway..KNOWING that God is much bigger than all that. We spent a lot of time plotting, planning, preparing, and waiting for this to unfold. For reasons I will never understand, the Lord brought me home the night that He allowed this worldly nightmare to come true. Seven men entered the compound, armed and with a mission to rob the poor of all they had. Instead, these brave victims were Blessed with the presence of the Holy Spirit. Blessed with the gift of God's grace and mercy. They were given another testimony of how great OUR Lord is...His faithfulness, His protection, and His peace...in the most terrifying moments of their lives.
I am so proud of each one of my colleagues/missionary friends in Haiti.....I can't even begin to go there...ughhh.
The immediate response of pretty much everyone who loves and cares for me here has been "Praise God you are here, and safe, and you were spared the agony, trauma, Hallelujah! You don't have to deal with that ever again!!" and I say to that.....I wish I were there. Doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. When your heart is on fire for a desire YOU never dreamed of....YOU could not create nor make sense of....when you are serving the Lord in the place He opened you eyes and heart to, it becomes the only thing that makes sense....and because of that I can't imagine any other path for my life.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."(Psalm 37:4)
When you know you KNOW. I have decided to commit 2 years in Jacmel, Haiti with Hands and Feet Project. I will use this blog to keep you all up to date along my journey. I am so excited to share this with everyone.....all glory be to God!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)